'Professional' Input

(Health and Social Care Trust)

     

When I get a letter with this little sign printed on the top I get the heebie-jeebies.  Most often it's been a kind invitation requesting the privilege of using my arm as a pin-cushion, but today it was the kind I dread most - a psychiatrist appointment. 

    
I can't complain; I knew the letter was coming.  I made the appointment on the phone after grudgingly consenting to be re-referred to the mental health team, but now I'm dreading tomorrow at 2:30pm.  Everyone loves a psychiatric assessment...  

I've gotten to know the drill over the years and I know how to answer those couple of inevitable, all-defining questions without dropping myself in it.  

'Do you have any plans to harm yourself?'  

'No.'  If I did have any serious plans I'd have to be pretty stupid to tell you.  

'Do you feel you can keep yourself safe at the moment?' 

'Yes.'  No, I don't want to go to hospital. 

I'm pretty sure I'll leave the appointment feeling dejected and misunderstood, but whether or not I leave with a prescription is less certain.  I haven't been on medication for a year and a half now and although I never vowed to stay off it for life, I have my qualms about anti-depressants.  In the past medication has done me more harm than good.  I'm not saying that I don't believe medication can be helpful, but I've seen the zeal with which doctors are willing to medicate and have watched the deeply distressed become deeply zombified.  I've listened to professionals likening taking your anti-depressants to taking anti-biotics for the flu and have heard others describe them as 'mind numbing drugs' that just mask the problem.  I don't believe either opinion.  I think they're all wrong.  

The first anti-depressant (an SSRI) I tried gave me severe psychotic side-effects: visual, auditory and tactile hallucinations, delusions and paranoia.  The second anti-depressant (a NaSSA) did absolutely nothing and nor did the anti-psychotic that was added to try to augment it's effects.  Ironically, it's NaSSAs that I'd be dead set-against.  I was on the second medication for over two and a half years, despite being told that I'd only be on medication for six months to a year.  I don't want to be on medication for life.  If my camhs consultant had had her way I would never have come off medication at all.  After two weeks on a low dose of the SSRI I experienced more of an improvement than I got from the NaSSA in two years.  An SSRI would be a risk, but I've seen a little evidence that it might be a risk worth taking.   

If it were just an anti-depressant that I wanted I'd go to the GP and I'm pretty sure he'd prescribe me anything I wanted, but that's not the point.  I'd like the opinion of someone who knows what they're talking about and who is concerned enough to think about what the best option would be as opposed to just palming me off with the first drug that springs to mind.  If I don't trust the psychiatrist I wouldn't be inclined to take the medication, but then again, would taking an anti-depressant of any kind be better than self-medicating with paracetamol to take the edge off and risking liver damage?  

The real problem is that the professional opinion on the topic seems to be pretty dogmatic.  I want to make an informed decision, but I'm just a depressed person and my opinion therefore invalid.  I'm not hopeful.