It's about secret things. The Destructive Narcissistic Parent creates a child that only exists to be an extension of her self. It's about body language. It's about disapproving glances. It's about vocal tone. It's very intimate. And it's very powerful. It's part of who the child is.
This isn't a conclusion that I would ever have drawn of my own accord. My therapist suggested I look up a particular Facebook page about narcissistic mothers, so I typed the term and hit search with bemusement, preparing myself to laugh aloud as the page loaded. I didn't laugh. I cried.
Some of the posts crossed the boundaries of narcissism, in my opinion, and entered the territory of pure sadistic abuse, but then I came across an article about the more subtle characteristics of narcissistic mothers, which evoked memory after memory.
Everything she does is deniable. Apologies don't exist. When she knocked my iPod onto the floor and the screen smashed it was my fault for 'leaving it in the way', i.e. on an otherwise unoccupied flat surface where she often leaves her phone.
She rarely says right out that she thinks you're inadequate. Many of her putdowns are simply by comparison. 'Doesn't Jennifer just ooze confidence!' 'Isn't Luke so funny.' 'Isn't she so clever.' 'You always were grumpier and more selfish than your brother.'
She will carefully separate cause (your joy in your accomplishment) from effect. 'You got 98%! What happened to the other two percent?' 'I can't be bothered with parent-teacher interviews.' (Listening to people talk about how well I'm doing at school is a burden...)
She'll spoil your pleasure in something by simply congratulating you for it in an angry, envious voice. *sarcastic tone* 'Well done'/'Very good' 'What do you want? A medal?'
Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. 'It's a good thing you didn't go to uni this year. I mean, look at the state of you! You're a mess. I'm just so worried about you...'
She violates your boundaries. You feel like an extension of her. 'She'll have a small americano.' 'Naomi doesn't like capers.' 'She wouldn't like anything like that.' (All in Naomi's presence, might I add.)
Any attempt at autonomy on your part is strongly resisted. 'You can't do work experience in the city! You're depressed.' 'Are you sure you can manage? What will you do about food? - It's all going to be covered in oil. You shouldn't go. You'll never cope.'
Your accomplishments are acknowledged only to the extent that she can take credit for them. 'I practically did your transfer test for you! Remember those practice papers we did? It was really me that got that A.'
*At ED support group* 'Naomi's doing really well with food at the moment.' Cue responses: 'You must be such a great support to her.' 'Having family on side is clearly makes a difference.' (The only time she ever acknowledges my eating habits is when she's screaming at me/trying to threaten me with another hospital admission.)
She will be nasty to you about things that are peripherally connected with your successes so that you find your joy in what you've done is tarnished. 'Does that mean I have to take you in to school for the high achievers photo? Ugh...'
If you complain about mistreatment by someone else, she will take that person's side even if she doesn't know them at all. 'You've always been selfish.' 'You're so awkward.' 'You're not exactly easy to love.' 'Well, it's not like you're anything special...'
Her feelings, needs and wants are very important. On telling her I felt suicidal when I was fourteen and didn't know what to do: 'How could you be so selfish! If you cared about me at all you wouldn't say anything like that!'
She is insanely defensive and is extremely sensitive to any criticism. 'I didn't do/say that!' 'It's not my fault!' 'Just blame me, why don't you!' Cue door slamming, feet stomping and huffing.
She makes you look crazy. 'You just being oversensitive.' 'It wasn't anything to do with me. This is your problem. You're the one in therapy.'
She's envious. 'You're definitely no better than average looking.' (I was thirteen and asked if I looked was okay for the school disco because I'd used make-up for the first time.)
She has to be the center of attention all the time. 'Do you know what seeing you like this does to me?' 'You being like this [mentally unwell] just makes me want to run away from everything and never come back.'
She projects. 'Why haven't you done any sewing today? It's not like you've got anything more important to do.' (She was in fact the one who didn't move from the sofa for 4hrs when she said she would go to the shop to get groceries...)
She blames. It took four years for her to conceive my brother because 'You never slept' i.e. she wasn't ready to have another child because she wasn't coping well with the emotional demands.
'You were always so clingy...' Recently she admitted in therapy that found it hard to separate from me when I was younger.
Almost all communication is triangular. 'I'll tell Naomi. You wouldn't want to upset her when she's already depressed.' 'You know how your Dad isn't good at talking about things. It'll be easier if I talk to him on my own.'
She will melt into a soggy puddle of weepy helplessness when she's confronted with unavoidable consequences. 'It's all my fault.' 'I feel so bad.' 'You know I'm always here to support you.' *Cue monstrous guilt on my part*
My mother is a narcissist, but that's not necessarily the most difficult part of it. The reason she acts like this is because she feels inadequate and has low-self esteem. She's not outright manipulative or cruel, just thoughtless and lacking a sense of worth. How can I justify being angry with her for doing something that she does unintentionally?
Now that I'm becoming more aware of this, I can physically feel the anger rising up inside of me every time she criticises, patronises, blames or compares. It would all be so much easier if I didn't have to endure it everyday, but, living in the same house, I don't have much of a choice. I wish I could move out, but I'm not a student and I don't work, so I just don't have the means. I still struggle to cope with my depression and eating disorder, so it's not all that advisable to move away from home right now because my parents are the only people I have.
There are some things she has done that I struggle to forgive, but I feel overwhelmingly guilty for blaming her. How could you tell your eight year old daughter that she will never get married or have children because she's too selfish? How could you tell your thirteen year old daughter that she's a selfish bitch when she comes to you in floods of tears because she feels suicidal and doesn't know how to make the feelings stop? How could you sit down beside another human being who is hysterically upset without even asking if they are okay and strike up a casual conversation about the price of diesel? I know she does these things because she has issues dealing with emotions, but it infuriates me that all these little comments, that she has undoubtably long forgotten, are engrained in my mind forever and have helped make me into the person I am. Indirectly, my mother, the person who is supposed to love me and protect me unconditionally, has told me that I'm unlovable, that my unhappiness isn't worthy of notice and that my suicidality isn't a big enough deal to warrant any kind of recognition, never mind help.
It hurt then and still hurts now, but I know she will never change and I will have to live with it 24/7 for the time being. Somehow I have to change the way I deal with it in order to be well enough to move out and look after myself, but I have no idea how. Right now I'm really struggling to see a way out.
(the referenced article: http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html)
She will carefully separate cause (your joy in your accomplishment) from effect. 'You got 98%! What happened to the other two percent?' 'I can't be bothered with parent-teacher interviews.' (Listening to people talk about how well I'm doing at school is a burden...)
She'll spoil your pleasure in something by simply congratulating you for it in an angry, envious voice. *sarcastic tone* 'Well done'/'Very good' 'What do you want? A medal?'
Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. 'It's a good thing you didn't go to uni this year. I mean, look at the state of you! You're a mess. I'm just so worried about you...'
She violates your boundaries. You feel like an extension of her. 'She'll have a small americano.' 'Naomi doesn't like capers.' 'She wouldn't like anything like that.' (All in Naomi's presence, might I add.)
Any attempt at autonomy on your part is strongly resisted. 'You can't do work experience in the city! You're depressed.' 'Are you sure you can manage? What will you do about food? - It's all going to be covered in oil. You shouldn't go. You'll never cope.'
Your accomplishments are acknowledged only to the extent that she can take credit for them. 'I practically did your transfer test for you! Remember those practice papers we did? It was really me that got that A.'
*At ED support group* 'Naomi's doing really well with food at the moment.' Cue responses: 'You must be such a great support to her.' 'Having family on side is clearly makes a difference.' (The only time she ever acknowledges my eating habits is when she's screaming at me/trying to threaten me with another hospital admission.)
She will be nasty to you about things that are peripherally connected with your successes so that you find your joy in what you've done is tarnished. 'Does that mean I have to take you in to school for the high achievers photo? Ugh...'
If you complain about mistreatment by someone else, she will take that person's side even if she doesn't know them at all. 'You've always been selfish.' 'You're so awkward.' 'You're not exactly easy to love.' 'Well, it's not like you're anything special...'
Her feelings, needs and wants are very important. On telling her I felt suicidal when I was fourteen and didn't know what to do: 'How could you be so selfish! If you cared about me at all you wouldn't say anything like that!'
She is insanely defensive and is extremely sensitive to any criticism. 'I didn't do/say that!' 'It's not my fault!' 'Just blame me, why don't you!' Cue door slamming, feet stomping and huffing.
She makes you look crazy. 'You just being oversensitive.' 'It wasn't anything to do with me. This is your problem. You're the one in therapy.'
She's envious. 'You're definitely no better than average looking.' (I was thirteen and asked if I looked was okay for the school disco because I'd used make-up for the first time.)
She has to be the center of attention all the time. 'Do you know what seeing you like this does to me?' 'You being like this [mentally unwell] just makes me want to run away from everything and never come back.'
She projects. 'Why haven't you done any sewing today? It's not like you've got anything more important to do.' (She was in fact the one who didn't move from the sofa for 4hrs when she said she would go to the shop to get groceries...)
She blames. It took four years for her to conceive my brother because 'You never slept' i.e. she wasn't ready to have another child because she wasn't coping well with the emotional demands.
'You were always so clingy...' Recently she admitted in therapy that found it hard to separate from me when I was younger.
Almost all communication is triangular. 'I'll tell Naomi. You wouldn't want to upset her when she's already depressed.' 'You know how your Dad isn't good at talking about things. It'll be easier if I talk to him on my own.'
She will melt into a soggy puddle of weepy helplessness when she's confronted with unavoidable consequences. 'It's all my fault.' 'I feel so bad.' 'You know I'm always here to support you.' *Cue monstrous guilt on my part*
My mother is a narcissist, but that's not necessarily the most difficult part of it. The reason she acts like this is because she feels inadequate and has low-self esteem. She's not outright manipulative or cruel, just thoughtless and lacking a sense of worth. How can I justify being angry with her for doing something that she does unintentionally?
Now that I'm becoming more aware of this, I can physically feel the anger rising up inside of me every time she criticises, patronises, blames or compares. It would all be so much easier if I didn't have to endure it everyday, but, living in the same house, I don't have much of a choice. I wish I could move out, but I'm not a student and I don't work, so I just don't have the means. I still struggle to cope with my depression and eating disorder, so it's not all that advisable to move away from home right now because my parents are the only people I have.
There are some things she has done that I struggle to forgive, but I feel overwhelmingly guilty for blaming her. How could you tell your eight year old daughter that she will never get married or have children because she's too selfish? How could you tell your thirteen year old daughter that she's a selfish bitch when she comes to you in floods of tears because she feels suicidal and doesn't know how to make the feelings stop? How could you sit down beside another human being who is hysterically upset without even asking if they are okay and strike up a casual conversation about the price of diesel? I know she does these things because she has issues dealing with emotions, but it infuriates me that all these little comments, that she has undoubtably long forgotten, are engrained in my mind forever and have helped make me into the person I am. Indirectly, my mother, the person who is supposed to love me and protect me unconditionally, has told me that I'm unlovable, that my unhappiness isn't worthy of notice and that my suicidality isn't a big enough deal to warrant any kind of recognition, never mind help.
It hurt then and still hurts now, but I know she will never change and I will have to live with it 24/7 for the time being. Somehow I have to change the way I deal with it in order to be well enough to move out and look after myself, but I have no idea how. Right now I'm really struggling to see a way out.
(the referenced article: http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html)
i'm making a habit of always replying to comments, and if that person has a blog, i find it rude to just leave a comment reply, without reading the post, especially if the post looks as profound as yours.
ReplyDeletei must warn you i do not read the post and then comment. i comment as i read the post, so you are able to see my concise thinking. i can tell this is going to be a long-ish comment. i have added you to my list so i can follow you and all.
interestingly enough. i think the characters i divulge into appear narcissistic. i'm a fanfiction writer. one of my main so-called headcannons for a narcissistic character is that they both have narcissistic parents (i.e. if i was to use Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy) or they have very selfless, loving parents (i.e. again, if i was going to use Harry Potter, Percy Weasley).
i think when it comes to narcissism - many do not apologise simply because it is a way of them lowering them down. they simply think that they are better than you, and apologizing means to admit that they are wrong, and you are right. which is something that they cannot come to grips with. a lot of people have this as a character trait, but it is enhanced when it comes to narcissism to abnormal extents. i am honestly so sorry that you are subjected to it. my mother has this herself as a trait, and honestly, i have learned to live with it. i cannot change her, but i can change myself and the way i view her.
the second point is also something i see in my own mother. i learn to roll my eyes, but when as a child, it does severely impact myself - however, it makes the very rare times of praising (i can't even remember them) more precious. when it comes to both parents, when praising is very rare, it just makes every singular praise more valuable than it is, and at some point, you would genuinely do anything for that praise. me, as a child, would, and it has installed very high expectations of myself that seem brought on by me, but has to also be a by-product of those days.
funnily enough, in the third point, the second statement is one that my mother has also told me, and also, something along the lines of 'what do you want me to do? dance for you?' (all this in my native tongue, of course).
at the fourth point, i would not go to the point to say that my mother uses those tactics all the time. my mother is actually sort of the opposite of that. if i tell her that i am going somewhere, she will absolutely force me to go to that place, up to the point where i do not want to go at all (i.e. if i go out, she will tell me to get ready, and then afterwards, will pick at what i am wearing/looking like, which i do not care about). funnily enough, she is highly contradictory in herself. she is a walking contradiction all the time.
i think that is also a trait you find in highly narcissistic people. they contradict themselves more often than normal people do. they cannot love themselves anymore. i think sometimes, they might even show traits of not feeling like they are perfect, but they will not say it directly to you but instead, make up an excuse for why they look a certain why that is completely plausible and one you cannot argue with (at least, not without her absolutely blowing up and somehow, making yourself look like an ass in the process). i honestly feel when it comes to narcissism, they are a walking contradiction.
i do not think i could say my mother acts like i am an extension, but when i am writing, it is something i incorporate somehow. i could only imagine how annoying that would be though. i do know that my mother talks about my accomplishments as if they are her own. she boosts about them, and i know it makes her feel better to have the daughter that does X, Y and Z, but not to the point where she says that they are her accomplishments.
(comment was so big Blogger won't let me post it)
Hey :) I'll reply to your comment in the same way you replied.
DeleteI think you're totally right about how parenting can effect a narcissistic personality. I looked up how narcissistic personalities are formed as I was writing this and what I found was, in a nutshell, what you wrote.
I'm sorry you've had to live with narcissism too. I'm coming to realise at the moment just how much of an impact it can have and that what's really important is how you interpret it because you can't change another person's behaviour.
I agree that not being praised often makes you very likely to have very high expectations of yourself - sometimes even too high. I can see how a lack of praise could make the rare occasions on which you are praised more valuable, but I think the opposite can also be true. For me, I tend not to believe people when they say something that's complimentary and believe that they just pity me.
"Any attempt at autonomy on your part is strongly resisted." i can write a book about this. oh my dear. i once let it slip that i leave the uni sometimes to go to the hospital café (they are about 10-15 minutes apart with a walk. much less if i had a car) - she had gotten so angry at me. at some point, she even asked me 'is all you think about feeding that stomach?' (i got so pissed off, especially because she once joked about me purging my soup - i still cannot believe that she criticized what i was going to purge). multiple times i told her i would not wear Y, Z, and W and she would throw a tantrum until i broke and wore it anyway, but it would absolutely ruin my mood for the day. now, when she asks me to change, i would try to keep up a rather gleeful attitude rather than ask 'what is wrong with what i am wearing?' (which just makes her blow up and more agitated). at some point, i have accepted that she may or may not find me a husband - considering i live in a country where arranged marriages are VERY common. and i cannot say no, because if i say no, there will be fighting and yelling and screaming up to a point where i succumb and agree anyway.
ReplyDelete"She will be nasty to you about things that are peripherally connected with your successes so that you find your joy in what you've done is tarnished." i learn to think of this as a strange praise. if she feels threatened by it, then you have definitely done something that is beyond what she had done. i mean i got into med school and i got very little appreciation for it. i think this is also connected to the fact that my father is also a doctor, so it isn't really surprising or a big deal anymore. but to me, it is. sometimes, you have to find the joy in what you have done and preserve it to the point where nobody's comments can tarnish it. it is very hard, but sometimes, talking to someone else really brings back the glee in the whole thing.
"If you complain about mistreatment by someone else, she will take that person's side even if she doesn't know them at all." again, i can probably write a book about this. i just stopped mentioning the mistreatment or whatnot. she mentions 'lack of confidence' as an issue for me. buzz off. i am working on that at the moment actually.
"Her feelings, needs and wants are very important." i honestly feel so sorry for you there. i cannot even begin to imagine the extent. for me, i would not tell my mother that i feel suicidal. i currently go to a counselor that none of my parents know about simply because of the fact that my mother is convinced there is nothing wrong with me and my father is convinced that it is because i am a medical student that i think that X, Y, and Z is wrong with me because I've read about them. i think that when i get my licence (hopefully soon), i will be able to come and go as i please and perhaps, even go see some external help. i can imagine though, that since religion is very strong here, if i said something like that, they would question my faith in God, which is not something i can take so i just not mention it at all. i know once i complained of bloat and showed her my stomach, and she just laughed at me and told me i didn't know what bloat was (funnily enough, somewhat of a praise, and somewhat of a 'you really don't know anything' thing).
"She is insanely defensive and is extremely sensitive to any criticism." again, something i can also write a book about when it comes to my mother. you simply cannot say that what she does is wrong. she will not talk to you for days. somehow, you are always wrong and she is always right. i refuse to argue with her at all. even her sisters cannot argue with her. funnily enough, when i started to read this post, i was going to use my character profiles of fictional characters as an example, i did not know i was going to be able to pull one out of real life. (*cue partial chortle*)
(yes, it is that long of a comment. i am sorry)
I tend to try not to fuel confrontation too. More often than not it makes the situation worse and it just isn't worth it. I can't imagine what it's like to know you could be pushed into an arranged marriage. If anything is worth arguing over, it would probably be that, but it must be a horrendous situation to find yourself in.
DeleteInsecurities definitely play a role in criticism. Getting into med. school is a great achievement. No one should take that away from you.
My Mum criticises my lack of confidence too, but ironically narcissistic parents really don't do much for your self-esteem...
It's impossible to always be right, so being defensive and contradictory is unavoidable if you insist on trying to be.
"She makes you look crazy." i definitely can say no to this point at this time.
ReplyDelete"She's envious." i think when it comes to any narcissistic character, they are all envious of certain people, but they will never show any signs of being envious. i think to some extent, they might put that person down so much just to make it look like they are beneath them at all costs. i think the people they put down more and more are the ones that they are envious of. i think this is one i suffer from. i think that pulling some people down, sometimes in my mind, sometimes to other people, makes me feel better. when something bad happens to someone i am envious of, i do not feel sorry for them at all. a terrible character trait i am trying to get through because i do this based on size. if someone is thinner than me, i automatically wish the worse for them OR i hope that i get a better grade than they do, etc, etc.
"She has to be the center of attention all the time." i do not think this applies to my mother. i genuinely think i am the opposite of this up to a point where it all reverses (i would love to be the center of attention when i do things properly, i look for recognition of things that i am very good at and refuse to believe that someone is better than i when it comes to it. sometimes, i keep these feelings to myself, and sometimes, not. i once told my lecture tutor that i wanted someone to send me an email for a programme that they only do when you are in the top 10-15, and i asked for why i never got my email. he looked at me and said, 'i genuinely do not have a clue'. and i continue to ask people and i love it when they are confused as to why i am not in the top 10-15 or if there is a mistake. one of the high achievers said that there was a girl they did not send the email to, and they genuinely think it is me. i cannot let it go that they had never chosen me. it still pisses me off because in my head, i work harder than these imbeciles - even though it isn't true. I've seen people work harder than me all the time, but it doesn't matter at those times of pure anger).
"She projects." first thing that comes to me is that time where my mother told me to go to the laser center, and i told her that i was busy and i had exams. and she keeps on saying that 'it won't take time' and then she calls me and i'm sitting there for 2 hours waiting my turn, and she doesn't apologise. that made me angrier for a minute. it is very challenging to accept her, though i think i have come to an emotional equilibrium when it comes to her. i simply know how to handle her.
(i am genuinely so sorry for how long this comment is)
I don't think there's anyone out there who hasn't suffered from envy. It's how you act on it that really matters.
Delete"She blames." i can see this in my mother as well - she will blame you for something that you had no control over in any situation, or something that is just a part of normal development. she has always told me i had low self-esteem, and then blames it on the fact that i am anti-social (which is just how i am, i cannot change it. i know if i do become social, she will just pick at another flaw, so i do not bother playing around that marry-go-round).
ReplyDelete"Almost all communication is triangular." that would annoy me if that was happening to me. not at all.
"She will melt into a soggy puddle of weepy helplessness when she's confronted with unavoidable consequences." oh, i can see this again in my own mother. when this happens, honestly, i do also feel guilty. you feel like maybe you were underappreciating her or under-exaggerating how painful or hard things are for her, and at the same time, it is cyclical and repeats itself. it's very confusing.
"How can I justify being angry with her for doing something that she does unintentionally? " because it hurt you. but then again, you can only let that run superficially, and then, you forget about it and do not let it ruin your day because it is something that she does unintentionally after all. that is the way i had learned how to deal with it anyway. sometimes, it is hard to let go, and sometimes, you end up ranting and snapping, but it is how it is. at the end, you only accept it as her character flaw, but you have to remember that she does love you. i found myself measuring the things she does for me in very little things. once, she had driven me to my gym class for the first time in 4-5 years and i found myself happy for it. she's the one that gives me money and the one that feeds my Diet Pepsi addiction. at the end of the day, what always helps is that she is the reason i am alive in this world. at the end of the day, i will always owe her more than anything. she does not mean to be that way. that is just it. she does love you, but she has a hard way of expressing it. you can though. I've taken it a habit to try and kiss her cheek, or hug her, or whatnot. to make her feel good. she will still act the same, but at least you know you are getting better with her.
"There are some things she has done that I struggle to forgive, but I feel overwhelmingly guilty for blaming her." write it down. for me, writing is therapeutic. i think the biggest reason for why i choose the characters that are narcissistic to some extent is so i can crack beneath the surface. or telling others. for me, it is always going to be the fact that she criticized what i was going to purge, or had insisted that i do not have a problem because i am getting better. then i remember - thank God. she does not struggle with these things. sometimes, ignorance is a bliss, and i want to remember that. i am happy that these people do not feel this way. sometimes, it's okay to let mental demons stew, but do not let it destroy your ability to see the world.
(again, i am so sorry)
"How could you tell your eight year old daughter that she will never get married or have children because she's too selfish? How could you tell your thirteen year old daughter that she's a selfish bitch when she comes to you in floods of tears because she feels suicidal and doesn't know how to make the feelings stop?" i do not know. honestly, i think partially it is because she does not want to deal with the fact that you are, and i think partially it is because she does not understand how you feel and underestimates it, and i also think that she thinks it will not impact you. on another note, it is completely unacceptable, honestly in my perspective. i am so sorry that you had to endure this, time and time again, i am sorry that it is a daily thing. i will offer you the only piece of advice that i can - you cannot control what comes out of her mouth, but you can control if you would let it effect you. do you want it to effect you? do you not? you do have that power. i am not saying that it is not horrible that she said those things. i am saying that you are strong and amazing, and you are able to suppress those feelings. i am saying that i refuse to believe that you are cannot withstand that, because you sound like an extraordinary character. i also feel like you analyse far too much, similarly to me. play games. try to find good things in what she says, or does - over time it would not matter anymore.
ReplyDeletemy aim in life is to work on logic. i want to be logical. that is the only thing that i want to be.
logically, there isn't a reason for why you cant' get married or have children. you are fighting your illnesses. it will only make you stronger and better and more attentive. you are perfect for that. you will raise good children. you might even spoil them. you will never say anything that would put them down, because you know how that feels now. what helps me to believe is that the mental abuse that you have suffered over time will just prepare you for what is to come. it will only help you feel the sweetness of life. it will make you realize what will take people years to figure out. those normal people with empty lives, that cannot find beauty in a field of flowers.
"Indirectly, my mother, the person who is supposed to love me and protect me unconditionally, has told me that I'm unlovable, that my unhappiness isn't worthy of notice and that my suicidality isn't a big enough deal to warrant any kind of recognition, never mind help." no, darling, that's the thing. she does love you. and she wants to protect you, but she has the weirdest way of showing it. she does not want to deal with it is all. she does not want to think of it. she does not want to add that to the stress of what she already has. she only knows how to love you in a certain way - sometimes, it is hard to accept it. sometimes, you want more, but i think that we have to accept that certain kinds of love exist in the strangest way possible. flip the world, look it the way you want it to, and things will become clear.
and if she does not love you, she is only one person. there are dozens of people that can. i fall in love with people just because they are. she is still the reason why you can breathe today. once, you were that baby that everyone was expecting. she still fed you when you were young and she took care of you when you were crying late at night. sometimes, that helps me.
it is not hard to find beauty in everything when you look at it in a certain way. sometimes, what helps in any situation, is envision a friend with the same problem. what will you tell them?
(i think that this comment is nearly over with... i am blushing)
"Right now I'm really struggling to see a way out." don't think of the future. it's what i call a fault when it comes to any mental disease. don't think of the past. that's another fault. always think of the present. always try to. i know it is hard sometimes to think of anything mid-panic attack, but you can still dictate how you feel like quite a lot. even with the depression, you can, believe it or not. you can distract yourself. you can find ways to make yourself feel a bit better.
ReplyDeletetake care of yourself, sweetie.
i'm also a work-in-progress, this is just what I've picked up. i'm still not good at doing all of those things, but it is always a progress. try, try, try until it happens.
-Sam Lupin
PS. i would look over this comment, but it's taken me one hour just to write it and it is segregated into a million sections.
comment reply to the comment that you offered me (this will be short, i promise):
ReplyDelete"You're totally right about recovery. People change over time and when you lose yourself in mental illness it takes a while to catch up with all the little changes you missed."
yes, it is strange. it took me a while to actually realize this.
"If that cake tasted as good as it looks it's well worth every single one of those 400kcals!"
aww, i don't know if it tastes as good as it looks, but it definitely tasted good!
take care, darling. i hope that the comment that i left didn't overlook your issues too much. i was /attempting/ to be somehow understanding, but i hope that the bit i left at the end offered some help. i felt like there was something i missed when i was writing it. it is a very sensitive topic. i hope i didn't say anything that has hurt you or triggered you or made you feel inadequate - i did not mean to. i already love you just because you are human and you breathe. that is all.
-Sam Lupin
It is a very sensitive topic, but you didn't say anything triggering at all. It's nice to know that other people understand.
DeleteThanks for the comment! xx
Totally hear you on ALL of this. It's 100% true, and a nightmare to live with.
ReplyDeleteL xx
(Been following your blog since the start)
I'm sorry you understand! It really is a difficult situation to navigate - no matter what you do it's always wrong.
DeleteThanks for reading the blog. You must be one of the about 3 people who does! :) x
UUUUUGGGHHHHHHHHHHH it always upsets me when I discover someone else has a mother like this. It's not fair. I'm 30 years old and I still feel like the same inadequate stain on her existence.
ReplyDelete....By any chance, are you familiar with the Five-Step-Mum-Madness??:
http://s1ckb1tch.blogspot.com/2013/04/whats-wire-hangers-doing-in-this-closet_2.html
It's surprising how many people seem to have mothers like this! I had no idea there was an exact formula though! - Your post is scarily accurate!
Delete