Emotion vs. Education

Sleep and I are becoming progressively estranged.  Being awake gives way to thought, and that is where my problem lies. Sleeping is the only time I get a break from my brain.  If I could lie awake with my thoughts switched off for eight hours I could happily deal with the maleffects of sleep deprivation.  

As it gets later, darker and quieter in the house, the sense of impending doom begins to rise.  I lie awake, picking holes in everything.  By the time it's 3am my whole life has fallen apart at the seams.  If I were twenty years older I might be convinced I'm  having a mid-life crisis.  

There was a time when I thought I knew what I wanted, but everyday drags by and managing to crawl out the other side is a struggle.  I wonder if I'll ever crawl out the other side of this illness.  I wonder if taking this year out will make any difference to my mental state.  I wonder if it would be better to die now and save myself the misery of the next sixty years.  

Last night I thought that my mind was going blank and that I might finally be drifting off, but something in me made me jerk upright and start to bawl my eyes out.   

People have odd ideas of what brings happiness.  If happiness was earned in terms of achievements and material possessions, I ought to be pretty happy.  When it comes to books and exams I'm not stupid and I'm far from a failure, but what do I actually get out of any of it?  I've wanted to go to university for as long as I can remember, but what would the degree that I have an unconditional place on actually offer me?  

The one and only thing, that I can think of, that would make my existence seem worthwhile would be being able to make someone else feel like the most precious thing on earth.  You can't give anyone anything more valuable than the feeling that they are of infinite worth.  You could argue that people are in more desperate need of food, shelter and clothes, but I've had them all and have found myself refusing to eat the food put in front of me and wondering the streets barefoot, crying.

I could go and do my degree in Chinese and Russian, but I'm starting to question the value of academia.  What good will my being able to speak foreign languages do the world?  I haven't got anything worthwhile to say, even in my native tongue.  

Can I do a degree in how to love please?  Or even a personality transplant would probably do the trick.  Whichever's easiest. I'm not fussed.